There’s been something in the news in the last couple of days that has rightly pissed me off. Coca Cola are closing their plant in Drogheda with the loss of more than 250 jobs. Wha.. de..!?!
Has there been a huge downturn in worldwide sales? Are they on the brink of bankruptcy? Has Pepsi stolen their secret formula and are they holding it to ransom? Are they fuck?!?!
In all probability what’s actually happened is that some bean counter or other in Atlanta head office has got promoted and in order to impress his new bosses with his business savoir faire has, with one stroke of a pen, consigned 250 hard working people to next year’s unemployment statistics. It sickens my hole!
Of course you know who I blame? All of the local organisations in Drogheda that ever begged Coca Cola for sponsorship for what ever event they were holding, be it the Knitathon or the Puddle Jumping Championships when all Coke wanted to do was to repatriate all of their hard earned profits.
Damn you ‘Lourdes Brass Band', damn you ‘Droichead Arts Centre’ and damn you ‘Drogheda and District Bridge Congress’ you should ALL be ashamed of yourselves!
Friday 31 August 2007
Wednesday 29 August 2007
Monday 27 August 2007
The Day just Keeps Getting Better
User: I've deleted a file that I've just realised I need. Can you restore it?
Me: Certainly can, I'll restore it from last nights backup.
User: Eh, I actually deleted it over a month ago, but I've just realised that I need it now.
Me: Hmmmm OK, that'll take a while longer, what was the file name?
User: Eh.... I can't remember.
Me: So you want me to restore a file whose name you can't remember and you can't remember when you deleted it?
User: Yes, that would be gre...
****CLICK*****
10 Minutes later. Another user.
User: Hello? I've just sent a mail but I don't think the person received it, can you please check my inbox to see if it was sent?
****CLICK****
No More, No more!!!
Me: Certainly can, I'll restore it from last nights backup.
User: Eh, I actually deleted it over a month ago, but I've just realised that I need it now.
Me: Hmmmm OK, that'll take a while longer, what was the file name?
User: Eh.... I can't remember.
Me: So you want me to restore a file whose name you can't remember and you can't remember when you deleted it?
User: Yes, that would be gre...
****CLICK*****
10 Minutes later. Another user.
User: Hello? I've just sent a mail but I don't think the person received it, can you please check my inbox to see if it was sent?
****CLICK****
No More, No more!!!
A Bigger Bastard than the BOFH
Some people really know how to rub me up the wrong way. Not a good thing to do first thing on a Monday morning. I came in this morning after been out on Friday and the following E-mail was in my inbox.
-----Original Message-----
From: O'Sullivan Mary
Sent: 27 August 2007 08.33
To: Berties 3rd Nipple
Subject: James Dillon??????? Thanks!!!
That was it! Nothing in the body text, just that subject line! So, not only in my capacity as Systems Administrator do I have to fix the mundane tedious problems of moronic users, but now I have to be psychic too.
Wait a minute, I know what this is about! I fixed that problem last Thursday and sent her a mail about it! Right, that’s her on my list. I’m going to make the rest of her week hell! Just think, hourly account lockouts, daily changing passwords and missing files from her home folder. The BOFH will have nothing on me!
-----Original Message-----
From: O'Sullivan Mary
Sent: 27 August 2007 08.33
To: Berties 3rd Nipple
Subject: James Dillon??????? Thanks!!!
That was it! Nothing in the body text, just that subject line! So, not only in my capacity as Systems Administrator do I have to fix the mundane tedious problems of moronic users, but now I have to be psychic too.
Wait a minute, I know what this is about! I fixed that problem last Thursday and sent her a mail about it! Right, that’s her on my list. I’m going to make the rest of her week hell! Just think, hourly account lockouts, daily changing passwords and missing files from her home folder. The BOFH will have nothing on me!
Thursday 23 August 2007
Wednesday 22 August 2007
A Wee Problem
It all started last week around my birthday. I’ve discovered that I have to wee a lot. After coming home from several beers on my birthday night I spent about 2 hours weeing. It must be contagious as MsB3N spent about an hour weeing too, eventually getting tired she headed off to bed. I stayed up weeing for another hour or so.
Friday, I took the day off and I weed for most of the day. MsB3n came home from work and caught me weeing in the sitting room. She wasn’t too happy. I suggested that she try it as there was more room in the sitting room. She eventually agreed so we moved all the furniture and she had a go.
Saturday, we had some friends over and after dinner I suggested that we retire to the sitting room for a wee. They were all a bit apprehensive at first but I reassured them that although I had only ever weed on my own before, all of us weeing together might be a bit of craic. Mia said she was game and would happily wee anywhere. She is pregnant after all. So we all weed in the sitting room well into the early hours of Sunday morning.
I now find myself with a constant need to wee, every spare minute I get I have to wee. Not only that, with all the weeing I'm doing, my arms, shoulders and back are starting to ache. It must be my age. What’s wrong with me? What can I do?
Friday, I took the day off and I weed for most of the day. MsB3n came home from work and caught me weeing in the sitting room. She wasn’t too happy. I suggested that she try it as there was more room in the sitting room. She eventually agreed so we moved all the furniture and she had a go.
Saturday, we had some friends over and after dinner I suggested that we retire to the sitting room for a wee. They were all a bit apprehensive at first but I reassured them that although I had only ever weed on my own before, all of us weeing together might be a bit of craic. Mia said she was game and would happily wee anywhere. She is pregnant after all. So we all weed in the sitting room well into the early hours of Sunday morning.
I now find myself with a constant need to wee, every spare minute I get I have to wee. Not only that, with all the weeing I'm doing, my arms, shoulders and back are starting to ache. It must be my age. What’s wrong with me? What can I do?
Tuesday 21 August 2007
Should've used a Dyson!
Edinburgh Fringe Festival has always been home to the weird and wonderful, but none so strange as Captain Dan The Demon Dwarf, a diminutive performer with the Circus of Horrors who was rushed to hospital after his act the other day with a vacuum cleaner attached to his mickey.
Why, you ask? Well, as part of his act he inexplicably pulls the device across the stage with his todger. According to the Evening Standard, on this occasion, "the attachment came loose before a performance so he tried to glue it back on", and having misread the superglue instructions he found himself permanently attached to the household device.
Commenting on his ordeal, The Demon Dwarf says, "It was the most embarrassing moment of my life. When I got wheeled into a packed A&E on a wheelchair with a hoover attached to my willie, I just wished the ground could swallow me up."
Surely a case of premature attachuation if I ever saw one and it begs to be said, next time use a Dyson, 100% suction 100% of the time!
Why, you ask? Well, as part of his act he inexplicably pulls the device across the stage with his todger. According to the Evening Standard, on this occasion, "the attachment came loose before a performance so he tried to glue it back on", and having misread the superglue instructions he found himself permanently attached to the household device.
Commenting on his ordeal, The Demon Dwarf says, "It was the most embarrassing moment of my life. When I got wheeled into a packed A&E on a wheelchair with a hoover attached to my willie, I just wished the ground could swallow me up."
Surely a case of premature attachuation if I ever saw one and it begs to be said, next time use a Dyson, 100% suction 100% of the time!
Friday 17 August 2007
Hair of the Dog
‘Are you going to Slane, Bertie?’
‘Am I fuck, Giblets.’
‘But it’ll be your last chance to see them.’
‘Me Da said that twenty five years ago!’
So that’s what’s going on, I forgot, The Strolling Bones are playing in Slane castle tomorrow a few miles out the road. There’s definitely a buzz around town but it’s not the usual Slane buzz, too many Zimmer frames. I thought it was an outing for the Day Care Centre.
After last night’s Birthday shenanigans, I’ve taken the day off work. Giblets stayed off in sympathy and we’re sitting in McFools about to start on our third hair of the dog.
I go to Slane every year, with the exception of Madonna and U2 (I fuckin hate U2!) and once I even bought a ticket. Slane was always the opportunity to put into practice our guerrilla training, sneaking in was an obligation. No way was I buying a ticket to walk on that stolen land.
Me: So, where did you get this land?
Lord Henry Mount Charles: My ancestors fought for it, Bertie.
Me: I’ll fight you for it now!
Sometimes we’d hide in the trees, for days, and wait for them to build the fence around us, and on the day we’d climb down and go crawling through the woods in our camouflage to the gig. Them was the days!
A couple of motorised wheelchairs pass by.
‘I see Hell’s Grannies are doing the security this year.’
‘Anything’s better than those usual goons they hire!’
I’m convinced that The Strolling Bones’ P.A. System has a secret, more sinister function. Not only does it amplify the geriatric warblings of the once great band, it also sucks the life force out of the entire audience and injects it into the aging rockers through their instruments. It’s how they’ve lasted so long. Just look at Jagger, he can hardly contain the rush of youthful vibrations as he gyrates maniacally across the stage clutching his microphone/youth juice injector. And Keith Richards? He clinically died years ago, leaving the energy leeching ghoul that we know today.
‘So you’re not going, no?’
‘No.’
‘You know ManDonkey’s found an underground dried up river, it’ll get us right into the middle of the village without having to go through any checkpoints, if we leave now we can be in the gig just before The Bones come on’
‘Don’t care.’
‘That’s not like you Bertie, what’s up?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Are ya havin' another?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Am I fuck, Giblets.’
‘But it’ll be your last chance to see them.’
‘Me Da said that twenty five years ago!’
So that’s what’s going on, I forgot, The Strolling Bones are playing in Slane castle tomorrow a few miles out the road. There’s definitely a buzz around town but it’s not the usual Slane buzz, too many Zimmer frames. I thought it was an outing for the Day Care Centre.
After last night’s Birthday shenanigans, I’ve taken the day off work. Giblets stayed off in sympathy and we’re sitting in McFools about to start on our third hair of the dog.
I go to Slane every year, with the exception of Madonna and U2 (I fuckin hate U2!) and once I even bought a ticket. Slane was always the opportunity to put into practice our guerrilla training, sneaking in was an obligation. No way was I buying a ticket to walk on that stolen land.
Me: So, where did you get this land?
Lord Henry Mount Charles: My ancestors fought for it, Bertie.
Me: I’ll fight you for it now!
Sometimes we’d hide in the trees, for days, and wait for them to build the fence around us, and on the day we’d climb down and go crawling through the woods in our camouflage to the gig. Them was the days!
A couple of motorised wheelchairs pass by.
‘I see Hell’s Grannies are doing the security this year.’
‘Anything’s better than those usual goons they hire!’
I’m convinced that The Strolling Bones’ P.A. System has a secret, more sinister function. Not only does it amplify the geriatric warblings of the once great band, it also sucks the life force out of the entire audience and injects it into the aging rockers through their instruments. It’s how they’ve lasted so long. Just look at Jagger, he can hardly contain the rush of youthful vibrations as he gyrates maniacally across the stage clutching his microphone/youth juice injector. And Keith Richards? He clinically died years ago, leaving the energy leeching ghoul that we know today.
‘So you’re not going, no?’
‘No.’
‘You know ManDonkey’s found an underground dried up river, it’ll get us right into the middle of the village without having to go through any checkpoints, if we leave now we can be in the gig just before The Bones come on’
‘Don’t care.’
‘That’s not like you Bertie, what’s up?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Are ya havin' another?’
‘Yeah.’
Thursday 16 August 2007
On this day....
On this day 30 years ago, Elvis Presley, had a heart attack and fell off the throne in Graceland with his big, bare King of Rock and Roll Ass in the air and his final act of Richard the Turd still in the bowl, which his dutiful butler, on finding the dead King, flushed away. I still wonder how much that turd would have been worth today if that butler preserved and mounted it with a little brass plate on the front saying ‘Elvis’ Last Dump. Aug 16th 1977’.
Another very notable death to occur on this day was that of legendary Delta Blues musician and song writer Robert Johnson who was poisoned and died at a crossroads in Mississippi on Aug 16th 1938 at the ripe old age of 27.
Other famous people to die on this day were, 1956 Bela Lugosi, 1419 King Wenceslas and 1944 Roman Padlewski.
But on this day, in 197* Berties 3rd Nipple was born! So I share a birthday with Madonna and James Taylor (no not thee James Taylor, James J.T Taylor from Kool and the Gang!). Marvellous, bloody marvellous!!
Another very notable death to occur on this day was that of legendary Delta Blues musician and song writer Robert Johnson who was poisoned and died at a crossroads in Mississippi on Aug 16th 1938 at the ripe old age of 27.
Other famous people to die on this day were, 1956 Bela Lugosi, 1419 King Wenceslas and 1944 Roman Padlewski.
But on this day, in 197* Berties 3rd Nipple was born! So I share a birthday with Madonna and James Taylor (no not thee James Taylor, James J.T Taylor from Kool and the Gang!). Marvellous, bloody marvellous!!
Wednesday 15 August 2007
My first award
I've just been nominated for my first award. Grandad saw fit to recognise my day in day out tireless efforts (yeah right) that I put into bloggging. I'm a 'schmoozer' (a casual conversationalist, I think).
Anyway I proudly display the award on the left, may it be the first of many.
So, by the power invested in me, I hereby nominate:
Swiss, come on lad, get schmoozing!
and
K8, a very wise and funny girl!!
Anyway I proudly display the award on the left, may it be the first of many.
So, by the power invested in me, I hereby nominate:
Swiss, come on lad, get schmoozing!
and
K8, a very wise and funny girl!!
Water water everywhere.
I was reading a book recently, ‘The Hidden Messages in Water’, by Dr. Masaru Emoto, a Japanese Scientist. What he does is, he subjects jars of water to different types of external stimuli, quickly freezes them then takes pictures of the crystals that form. I have included some of the pictures that Dr. Emoto has taken. He claims that the stimuli greatly affect the way in which the water forms the crystals and certainly his photographic evidence supports this.
Another theory, one that forms the basis of Homeopathy is that water has memory, i.e. it can remember everything that has ever been dissolved in it so you can take the smallest amounts of a substance, dilute it in water, take a small amount of that dilution and dilute it even further and this solution will have the same properties as the original solution.
Some facts about water, the average human is composed of 70% water but that water is constantly changing as we absorb more, secrete sweat etc. We live in an enclosed system (planet Earth and its atmosphere) so water is a finite resource and is constantly being recycled around the planet, from sky to earth, through flora and fauna and so on.
Armed with all this information, I had one of my realizations (one of the ones that I only used to get whilst smoking herbal cigarettes). My new theory about Life is that, what if we are just vessels for the true Earthly conscience, Water? What if our conscience, thoughts, feelings of Déjà vu, dreams etc are just the vibrations of previous generations recycled in the water we absorb. Dr Emoto’s photos show that water is not happy cooped up in pipes and thrives in clean, unpolluted streams and rivers. I need to get access to a well and sing to my water from now on to keep it happy.
You Make me Sick
Love and Gratitude
Mozart Symphony
Heavy Metal
Another theory, one that forms the basis of Homeopathy is that water has memory, i.e. it can remember everything that has ever been dissolved in it so you can take the smallest amounts of a substance, dilute it in water, take a small amount of that dilution and dilute it even further and this solution will have the same properties as the original solution.
Some facts about water, the average human is composed of 70% water but that water is constantly changing as we absorb more, secrete sweat etc. We live in an enclosed system (planet Earth and its atmosphere) so water is a finite resource and is constantly being recycled around the planet, from sky to earth, through flora and fauna and so on.
Armed with all this information, I had one of my realizations (one of the ones that I only used to get whilst smoking herbal cigarettes). My new theory about Life is that, what if we are just vessels for the true Earthly conscience, Water? What if our conscience, thoughts, feelings of Déjà vu, dreams etc are just the vibrations of previous generations recycled in the water we absorb. Dr Emoto’s photos show that water is not happy cooped up in pipes and thrives in clean, unpolluted streams and rivers. I need to get access to a well and sing to my water from now on to keep it happy.
You Make me Sick
Love and Gratitude
Mozart Symphony
Heavy Metal
Tuesday 14 August 2007
What the Bock?
What has Bock posted today? Is it rude, pornographic, what? My work firewall is blocking his site. It never does that, not even to Twenty. Somebody, please tell me!!
Monday 13 August 2007
Open Letter to Robin Williams
I got this email today. It looks as if Robin Williams is sticking his nose into the political ring for a bit of a laugh during his tours to entertain the troops. He's made a list of points that the US government should follow in their endeavour in the Middle East. I hereby write this open letter to him or to the composer of the mail which addresses each of the points in question.
Firstly the email I received:
Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan... what we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan:
1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. We will promise never to "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No more sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or wherethey are. France would welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 day visits unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself,don't hide here. Asylum would not ever be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers.
5) No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home, baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else.
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere". They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds,rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them gets "lost" or is taken by their army. The people who need it most get very little, anyway.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, it would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.
The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it or LEAVE...Now, ain't that a winner of a plan. "The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?"
Robin
Now my reply. I apologise to any decent American out there, this is aimed at the composer of the above mail and the U.S Government.
Mr Williams,
In light of your recent comments regarding the United States of America’s position on the world stage, I feel obliged to comment on each one. I don’t expect a reply as I think that the facts speak for themselves. You used to be funny, now you’re just a fat boring old fart.
1. Yes Mr. Williams, you are perfectly correct the US should apologize to the world, especially to Venezuela for trying to depose a democratically elected leader, to Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia for years of unrelenting bombing and usage of gene altering chemicals, to Iran for the reinstatement and support of the tyrannical Shah and to all of those other countries that the US government mucked up.
2. Most of your troops stationed abroad are young kids who were practically press ganged into service and would love nothing more than to be back to the safety of the good ole US of A.
3. America without immigrants?!!? What a joke! I hope you’re ready for living in a place of high labour costs and high consumer prices. A study found that illegal immigrants make up 24 percent of all workers in the agricultural sector, 14 percent of all workers in construction and 12 percent in food preparation. Certain industries in the country, such as California's agriculture industry, would likely disappear if immigrant labour were not available. That would mean the loss of a $30 billion dollar sector of California's economy, a sector that according to a 2005 report from the University of California Davis, creates a domino effect of more than $70 billion in economic activity in the state each year. Need I say more?
4. No-one from a terrorist nation eh? Well, I guess all you ‘White Americans’ better leave then! Your state was founded on the terrorising and mass murder of it’s native people. How soon you forget, IT WAS ONLY 150 YEARS AGO!!!!!! Oh yeah, before you pull outta there, please apologise to each and every single Native American for the genocide inflicted on their people.
5. Why the hell would any one go to the US for an education? In the United States, one in seven people (more than 40 million people) can barely read a job offer or utility bill, which arguably makes them functionally illiterate in a developed country such as the US. In 2003, the National Assessment of Adult Literacy (NAAL), conducted by the US Department of Education, found that fourteen percent of American adults scored at this “below basic” level in prose literacy. More than half of these persons did not have a high-school diploma or GED. I think I’d prefer to go to Cuba where the literacy rate is 96.9%.
6. How thick are you? Do you really think that the Oil Companies and your Government (one in the same really) will let you get away with this one? What will Hank the Yank do without his 24 Litre Gas Guzzler getting 3 miles to the Oil Field. Lets look at the Number of Energy Invention Suppression Incidents:
- 53 Number of Dead, Missing, or Injured Energy Inventors, Activists, and Associates
- 13 Number of Energy Inventors Threatened with Death
- 16 Number of Energy Researchers and Associates Imprisoned
- 7 Number of Incidents Involving the US Central Intelligence Agency (CIA)
- 4 Number of Incidents Involving the US Government
- 27 Number of Inventions Classified Secret by US Patent Office
- Approximately 4000 Number of Incidents Involving Oil Companies.
7. Where else are you going to get your juice to drive your big fat Burgerking ass around in your 20 ton monster trucks? You’re running out of stocks at home. As per point 2, you’re whole army is back in the safety of the US of A and you’re running out of countries to invade for their oil. So if you don’t buy from the Arabs, the rest of the world gets a surplus and much lower prices. It’s simple economics (something you showed not to have a grasp of in point 3).
8. Hmmmm..... let’s see what Americans do with the Aid money given to them. Failure to check the identity of applicants by FEMA, has resulted in the misuse of about £750 million of disaster relief intended for Hurricane Katrina victims. Bogus applicants are said to have used the money on porn videos, strippers and holidays. Claimants used false details for names and addresses, one claimant is said to have used the money to obtain a sex change operation and 13 other payments were made to the same address for an applicant who used 13 social security numbers. So you see Charity really does begin at home but for you guys, it usually stays there.
9. Of course, the UN is too good for you. Name one recent UN Mandate the US government has agreed to support. Why bother trying to be part of a team?? It’s just US US US all the way!!!
10. You’re perfectly right, all Americans should go to charm and beauty school, no more fat, loud, balding American tourists ambling around looking for directions to Don Leg-a-haira.
11. No.. No.. No!!!! The language you speak is NOT English. It’s a bastardised version of English. Labor, color etc etc. All spelling mistakes on my spell check. Even your president can’t speak English.
"I've reminded the prime minister-the American people, Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 29, 2006
"I think -- tide turning -- see, as I remember -- I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of -- it's easy to see a tide turn -- did I say those words?" --George W. Bush, asked if the tide was turning in Iraq, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006
So, while you’re arming your Statue of Bigotry with a baseball bat, please turn it around to face the other way to keep all you f*ckers in!!!
Nanu nanu, shazbat!!
Firstly the email I received:
Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan... what we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan:
1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. We will promise never to "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No more sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or wherethey are. France would welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 day visits unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself,don't hide here. Asylum would not ever be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers.
5) No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home, baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else.
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere". They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds,rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them gets "lost" or is taken by their army. The people who need it most get very little, anyway.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, it would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.
The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it or LEAVE...Now, ain't that a winner of a plan. "The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?"
Robin
Now my reply. I apologise to any decent American out there, this is aimed at the composer of the above mail and the U.S Government.
Mr Williams,
In light of your recent comments regarding the United States of America’s position on the world stage, I feel obliged to comment on each one. I don’t expect a reply as I think that the facts speak for themselves. You used to be funny, now you’re just a fat boring old fart.
1. Yes Mr. Williams, you are perfectly correct the US should apologize to the world, especially to Venezuela for trying to depose a democratically elected leader, to Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia for years of unrelenting bombing and usage of gene altering chemicals, to Iran for the reinstatement and support of the tyrannical Shah and to all of those other countries that the US government mucked up.
2. Most of your troops stationed abroad are young kids who were practically press ganged into service and would love nothing more than to be back to the safety of the good ole US of A.
3. America without immigrants?!!? What a joke! I hope you’re ready for living in a place of high labour costs and high consumer prices. A study found that illegal immigrants make up 24 percent of all workers in the agricultural sector, 14 percent of all workers in construction and 12 percent in food preparation. Certain industries in the country, such as California's agriculture industry, would likely disappear if immigrant labour were not available. That would mean the loss of a $30 billion dollar sector of California's economy, a sector that according to a 2005 report from the University of California Davis, creates a domino effect of more than $70 billion in economic activity in the state each year. Need I say more?
4. No-one from a terrorist nation eh? Well, I guess all you ‘White Americans’ better leave then! Your state was founded on the terrorising and mass murder of it’s native people. How soon you forget, IT WAS ONLY 150 YEARS AGO!!!!!! Oh yeah, before you pull outta there, please apologise to each and every single Native American for the genocide inflicted on their people.
5. Why the hell would any one go to the US for an education? In the United States, one in seven people (more than 40 million people) can barely read a job offer or utility bill, which arguably makes them functionally illiterate in a developed country such as the US. In 2003, the National Assessment of Adult Literacy (NAAL), conducted by the US Department of Education, found that fourteen percent of American adults scored at this “below basic” level in prose literacy. More than half of these persons did not have a high-school diploma or GED. I think I’d prefer to go to Cuba where the literacy rate is 96.9%.
6. How thick are you? Do you really think that the Oil Companies and your Government (one in the same really) will let you get away with this one? What will Hank the Yank do without his 24 Litre Gas Guzzler getting 3 miles to the Oil Field. Lets look at the Number of Energy Invention Suppression Incidents:
- 53 Number of Dead, Missing, or Injured Energy Inventors, Activists, and Associates
- 13 Number of Energy Inventors Threatened with Death
- 16 Number of Energy Researchers and Associates Imprisoned
- 7 Number of Incidents Involving the US Central Intelligence Agency (CIA)
- 4 Number of Incidents Involving the US Government
- 27 Number of Inventions Classified Secret by US Patent Office
- Approximately 4000 Number of Incidents Involving Oil Companies.
7. Where else are you going to get your juice to drive your big fat Burgerking ass around in your 20 ton monster trucks? You’re running out of stocks at home. As per point 2, you’re whole army is back in the safety of the US of A and you’re running out of countries to invade for their oil. So if you don’t buy from the Arabs, the rest of the world gets a surplus and much lower prices. It’s simple economics (something you showed not to have a grasp of in point 3).
8. Hmmmm..... let’s see what Americans do with the Aid money given to them. Failure to check the identity of applicants by FEMA, has resulted in the misuse of about £750 million of disaster relief intended for Hurricane Katrina victims. Bogus applicants are said to have used the money on porn videos, strippers and holidays. Claimants used false details for names and addresses, one claimant is said to have used the money to obtain a sex change operation and 13 other payments were made to the same address for an applicant who used 13 social security numbers. So you see Charity really does begin at home but for you guys, it usually stays there.
9. Of course, the UN is too good for you. Name one recent UN Mandate the US government has agreed to support. Why bother trying to be part of a team?? It’s just US US US all the way!!!
10. You’re perfectly right, all Americans should go to charm and beauty school, no more fat, loud, balding American tourists ambling around looking for directions to Don Leg-a-haira.
11. No.. No.. No!!!! The language you speak is NOT English. It’s a bastardised version of English. Labor, color etc etc. All spelling mistakes on my spell check. Even your president can’t speak English.
"I've reminded the prime minister-the American people, Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 29, 2006
"I think -- tide turning -- see, as I remember -- I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of -- it's easy to see a tide turn -- did I say those words?" --George W. Bush, asked if the tide was turning in Iraq, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006
So, while you’re arming your Statue of Bigotry with a baseball bat, please turn it around to face the other way to keep all you f*ckers in!!!
Nanu nanu, shazbat!!
Saturday 11 August 2007
They know... THEY KNOW!!!!
I can't sleep! It's 2.09am and MsB3n is out for the count. Something's keeping me awake. Pangs of guilt I have been feeling for the last week or so. Y'see on holidays, I was solely responsible for the death of an animal, one of Mother Nature's magical creations and it's been bugging me ever since. I have a very strict list of things that I will kill on sight only if they breach my comfort zone and until very recently that list had one thing on it, Wasps, the skinheads of the insect world, since then I've added Mosquitos, devilish little blood sucking vampires. This one was different. I killed a fish, whipped him (or her I couldn't tell) right out of the water and killed it and no-one even ate it, such a waste.
Most days during the week I went fishing, but the worst thing that can happen to me when I go fishing is that I actually catch something. I dont fish very often but when I do, I don't fish with the intention of catching anything just the mantra of casting out and reeling in, casting out and reeling in, casting out and reeling in can be so meditative that I could happily do it for hours and it's not to be spoiled by a sudden jerking on the rod that starts the brutal series of events that you must complete in order to let the poor bugger go.
So there I was, casting out and reeling in, casting out and reeling in, casting out and reeling ...... FUCK ..... I've got a bite!!
Bollocks!!
Don't panic, let it run a bit then turn it's head!
Ok now pull on the rod!
Reel it back!
Pull on the rod!
Reel it back!
Pull on the rod...
Reel it back....
Take it in to the shallows, the line will break if you try to reel it straight out!
Got it!
Get the hook out!
FUCK!
He's swallowed the whole fucking thing, get the hook disgorger!
Easy....... easy
The fish wriggles too much, the disgorger slips and removes the hook, along with most of the fish's gills
SHIT!
Only one thing for it, smash it's head off a rock..... PLAPP!!
For the rest of the week I set the rod up to catch things that I knew definitely didn't swim in that lake, Manta Rays and Giant Squid etc. And as I type I'm looking at my aquarium and at my own fish. They're looking at me funny... They know..... THEY KNOW!!!
Most days during the week I went fishing, but the worst thing that can happen to me when I go fishing is that I actually catch something. I dont fish very often but when I do, I don't fish with the intention of catching anything just the mantra of casting out and reeling in, casting out and reeling in, casting out and reeling in can be so meditative that I could happily do it for hours and it's not to be spoiled by a sudden jerking on the rod that starts the brutal series of events that you must complete in order to let the poor bugger go.
So there I was, casting out and reeling in, casting out and reeling in, casting out and reeling ...... FUCK ..... I've got a bite!!
Bollocks!!
Don't panic, let it run a bit then turn it's head!
Ok now pull on the rod!
Reel it back!
Pull on the rod!
Reel it back!
Pull on the rod...
Reel it back....
Take it in to the shallows, the line will break if you try to reel it straight out!
Got it!
Get the hook out!
FUCK!
He's swallowed the whole fucking thing, get the hook disgorger!
Easy....... easy
The fish wriggles too much, the disgorger slips and removes the hook, along with most of the fish's gills
SHIT!
Only one thing for it, smash it's head off a rock..... PLAPP!!
For the rest of the week I set the rod up to catch things that I knew definitely didn't swim in that lake, Manta Rays and Giant Squid etc. And as I type I'm looking at my aquarium and at my own fish. They're looking at me funny... They know..... THEY KNOW!!!
Friday 10 August 2007
Emotional Wrecks
I heard a new word last week. Emo. Apparently it describes a teenage clan in where members are purported to be emotionally disturbed and scratch (I say scratch coz they don't actually cut anything) their wrists in an attempt to show that they are so fucked up they have tried to commit suicide (it has social status in the group). They are the new Cureheads and Goths but instead they listen to My Chemical Romance (now I get the wrist scratching).
Now I don't have kids so I can't say for sure but I was a teenager (Curehead/Goth) so I think I have some idea. Has teenage rebellion come to a head now because we (the older generation, used loosely of course) have become so apathetic to their cause because we've been through it, that they have to beef it up a bit more and get more extreme with their rebellion, or are they short of the one thing I got when I was a kid, when I did anything stupid, and that was 'Le Bon Juttering'?
In my day we just talked about how miserable we were, hung our heads to the side clasped our hands together between our knees and wobbled, and that was how we danced.
'I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But Heaven Knows I'm Miserable now.'
Now I don't have kids so I can't say for sure but I was a teenager (Curehead/Goth) so I think I have some idea. Has teenage rebellion come to a head now because we (the older generation, used loosely of course) have become so apathetic to their cause because we've been through it, that they have to beef it up a bit more and get more extreme with their rebellion, or are they short of the one thing I got when I was a kid, when I did anything stupid, and that was 'Le Bon Juttering'?
In my day we just talked about how miserable we were, hung our heads to the side clasped our hands together between our knees and wobbled, and that was how we danced.
'I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But Heaven Knows I'm Miserable now.'
Thursday 9 August 2007
Old Post Re-Hashed
Cheers to k8 for the idea to repost an old blog. I picked this one as it is a chance to re-introduce some of the crazy people that inhabit my world. Judging by the comments I don't think anybody read it so here we go for the second time. Some of me mates. You will be hearing a lot from them in the future.
The green green grass of home
Wahaay, it’s great to be back!! I know I’m in Ireland coz my train to work this morning was late. Finland is a strange country, where public transport runs on time, to the second! One ticket will get you a bus, tram, metro and even a boat.
You can even make money while you’re drinking, you get 15 cent back for every empty undamaged beercan that you push through a machine that is in every supermarket. We made the grand total of €43.20 during our week in the cabin not including plastic or glass bottles.
I was able to drive from Helsinki centre to the cabin 200km away and not only did I not have to apply the brakes in traffic, I didn’t even have to change down a gear. In a recent election one party said that they were going to reduce tax. Sound good? They LOST!!!
NO squandering of public funds on poxy tribunals in Finland and money is used where it’s needed mind you, the Finns do moan a bit. They moan when their train is late, if you park facing the wrong way, if you’re taking too much time at the machine in the supermarket recycling many, many empty beercans but they do have some great sports, wife carrying, naked anthill sitting and sauna championships, the latter of which we took part in and managed to stay in at 105 degrees Celsius before running out and taking a dip in the lake.
You can even make money while you’re drinking, you get 15 cent back for every empty undamaged beercan that you push through a machine that is in every supermarket. We made the grand total of €43.20 during our week in the cabin not including plastic or glass bottles.
I was able to drive from Helsinki centre to the cabin 200km away and not only did I not have to apply the brakes in traffic, I didn’t even have to change down a gear. In a recent election one party said that they were going to reduce tax. Sound good? They LOST!!!
NO squandering of public funds on poxy tribunals in Finland and money is used where it’s needed mind you, the Finns do moan a bit. They moan when their train is late, if you park facing the wrong way, if you’re taking too much time at the machine in the supermarket recycling many, many empty beercans but they do have some great sports, wife carrying, naked anthill sitting and sauna championships, the latter of which we took part in and managed to stay in at 105 degrees Celsius before running out and taking a dip in the lake.
Sunday 5 August 2007
Not fallen off
OK, here's the alcohol count so far for the cabin.
Beer 288 cans
Vodka 3.75 litres
Rum 1 litre
Tequila 1 litre
Triple Sec 1 litre
Cointreau 1 litre
Gin 1 litre
Wine 6 litres
That was for the week. In Helsinki now. Normal service will resume next Thursday with full accounts of what I can remember from the last couiple of weeks.
Beer 288 cans
Vodka 3.75 litres
Rum 1 litre
Tequila 1 litre
Triple Sec 1 litre
Cointreau 1 litre
Gin 1 litre
Wine 6 litres
That was for the week. In Helsinki now. Normal service will resume next Thursday with full accounts of what I can remember from the last couiple of weeks.
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