Last night in Gorf’s house whilst sipping on a few alcoholic beverages I decided to conduct a scientific experiment. I’m sure you’ve heard of CERN and the work they do in particle physics, well my experiment was similar but instead of using electrons and what not, I used children, Gorf’s and Man Donkey’s to be precise, four and three years old respectively.
The particle accelerator itself was the kitchen, the sitting room and the hallway. You can walk in a loop from the kitchen into the sitting room to the hallway and back into the kitchen via the other door.
Acceleration was provided by the ‘Rarrghh!’ game, you know the one, you shout ‘Rarrghhh!’ at the top of your voice and the child, through the primal flight or fight instinct, loses all control of itself and half giggling, half screaming turns and runs away. Extra distance and velocity can be achieved by the stamping of your feet a few of times after them.
A couple of ‘Rarrghhhs!’ into the game I successfully manipulated the kids so that Gorf junior was constantly coming to one of the kitchen doors and Man Donkey Junior to the other. The experiment was ready to begin and by my calculations the ‘particles’ should collide somewhere around the sitting room door. The results were as follows:
Attempt 1:
Gorf Junior didn’t quite make it to the sitting room door. Longer ‘Rarrrgh!’ for him next time.
Man Donkey junior didn’t attempt the turn into the sitting room, instead he ran straight for the front door.
Attempt 1. Failed.
Attempt 2:
Gorf Junior behaved perfectly, turned and ran straight out the kitchen door through the sitting room door and into the hallway.
Man Donkey junior’s flight or fight mechanism decided to fight this time. He let out a huge ‘Rarrrghhh!’ back and battered me in the nuts. A much louder ‘Rarrrgh!’ for him with some very loud stamps next time.
Attempt 2. Failed.
Attempt 3:
Gorf junior behaved as before and ran straight out into the hallway.
Man Donkey junior, with some extra coaxing turned and ran back out the kitchen door into the hallway.
There followed a couple of milliseconds of silence, a loud smack, more silence, then an unmerciful cacophony the likes of which had never before been heard in 27 Andrews Park as two small children made their way back to the kitchen and their respective parents in floods of tears.
Attempt 3. Success!!
I can be an evil bastard sometimes.
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5 comments:
Excellent scientific finds there, matey!!! I'm totally for experimentation with the under fives. They are there purely for our amusement aren't they? You wouldn't believe how many babysitting jobs I was fired from in the name of science.
Beautiful experiment. I'm admiring your careful approach and tweaking of the RRRrrrrrghs, to get the perfect result. They don't call it the big bang for nothing.
Just be careful you don't pre-empt CERN and create a Black Hole.
On second thoughts - that would swallow up the kids, and peace would reign.
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